Cole recently signed up for Jiu Jitsu and finished his second class tonight. Here are things I've learned after observing parts of 2 classes and living with Cole for a week after his first class:
jiu jitsu is pretty cool
the bathrobe looking thing they wear is called a gi
boys love to punch, kick, and wrestle
a punch in the stomach hurts, even if it's from a 9 year old
Cole loves jiu jitsu. I'm pretty sure of this because after class he says "I love jiu jitsu!" and begs for me to let him punch me in the stomach. After the first class I asked him what he learned, and he talked about several things, including getting in a "horse stance" and shouting "HUH!!! while punching. He asked to punch me, and I thought, "he's nine years old and when I hold my breath and flex my abs they're reasonably firm, so what the heck". So Cole gets in his stance, knees bent, fists balled and at his waist, palms up. Tony Horton would have been proud of this horse stance. Still, I wasn't scared. He's 9, I outweigh him by probably 120 lbs, I'm holding my breath and flexing my reasonably firm abs, so there's nothing to fear.
So I tell him to go for it. He looks at my gut, looks up at me and says "are you sure?" Sure, I say, go for it. He then unleashes his 9 year old right fist and belts out a HUH!, and when he finished, his fist had gone through my abdominal muscles, intestines of the large and small variety, and either my stomach or spleen, not sure, and was scraping against my spine. Before I could get my breath and tell him to stop, his 9 year old left fist was nearing impact with my stomach. The result of his left was about the same as his right.
This 1-2 combination was more than I could handle in more ways than one. First - it really hurt, and I'm not keen on pain or a bruised stomach. Second, my pride was hurt because this was my 9 year old son. I'm getting older, but I like to think I'm still pretty tough, in decent shape...so how could he inflict this much pain on me? Gavin watched this and wanted to show that he was tougher than me, so he jumped in line for some punishment. Cole was glad to oblige. He got into his horse stance, expelled a HUH!, and buried his fist in Gavin's gut, which knocked Gavin to the floor. I think video of either of these things would have, at a minimum, gotten me some facetime on America's Funniest Home Videos, and it may have won me some money. Fair warning to any Tilley's or Jones's at the wedding - if Cole asks you if you want to see his horse stance, take 3 steps backward.
The first week of school is over now, and it went pretty well. I like school and the cycle of school ending, gradution, resting and regrouping, preparing for a new year, and then starting over. I enjoy my job. I just don't understand how when I work all day in the yard or at other physical activities, I end the day tired, worn out, but with a sense of accomplishment and ready for good rest. After a day at work I often come home feeling like my head has been in a blender. Why does thinking hurt my head so much? Do I think too hard? Is my brain not in good shape? I know my legs would be sore if I suddenly went and ran 10 miles, so is my head out of shape like that? My head never hurt when I was a youth. Now my head is a milk shake. Mystery of life.
Other mysteries to me:
Why kids say they don't like school, but are thrilled to come back after summer break.
Why my children are polite and respectful to every person they encounter but can't sit next to each other at dinner, in a car, or on the coach without arguing, name calling, and engaging in physical combat.
Why do people very rarely say what they really mean? Is it better to lie than to potentially hurt someone's feelings?
Why is Dr. Pepper making BBQ sauce? I saw it with my own eyes. I love Dr. Pepper. And I love BBQ sauce. But I don't need them together. Last I checked Ford and Chevy weren't trying to make my tennis shoes and Little Debbie isn't trying to sell me a New York Strip steak. I'm having trouble with the 23 delicious flavors of Dr. Pepper floating around in a bottle of BBQ sauce. Maybe I'm just not progressive enough. I'm sure people used to think Wal-Mart execs were stupid to consider selling groceries and that the average person would never have a want or need for a phone to carry around in their pocket, much less a phone with internet, navigation, camera, video camera, family physician, mechanic, personal chef, and nanny included. Now 95% of the students at my school (age 11-18) carry phones like that. Perhaps the leadership of Dr. Pepper is in fact the leadership of Dr. Pepper because they're a bunch of really smart people. But this seems like a stupid idea to me.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
What burns but isn't consumed?
Something weird happened recently. We came home from a party and our power was out again. I suppose our power lines and poles can't withstand the Armegeddon-like thunderstorms that become common in late summer, I don't know. And I wouldn't really care too terribly much, except that no power = no water for us because we don't have city water. And no water for us means weeping and gnashing of teeth in our house, because my wife can't stand to think about going to bed without being squeaky clean. For her, no water and no bath at night ranks right up there on the list of tragedies with car crashes, trees falling on the house, and missing a sale at Belk.
Anyway, we came home and the power was out. Gavin had a friend sleeping over, so I encouraged the kids to go outside to the pool for a swim. Swimming in the dark seemed much better than sitting inside in the dark. After lighting a few candles, Gavin, Landon, Cole, and I got dressed to go for a night time swim. Savanna just came out to talk, not to swim. Gavin came out several minutes later than the others, and we began the mandatory Marco Polo game. Savanna then told us "Momma's already asleep". Gavin said "no she's not, I just came out. She's trying to put the fire out in the candle." That aroused my curiosity, because why would she have to "try" to put out a candle? So I asked, and this is the story I got from Gavin....
"Well Dad, I was doing #2 in the bathroom and it was dark. So I had taken one of the candles in there so I could see." (Brent's Note: this was a Bath and Beyond candle in a glass jar, not a candle on a candlestick). Gavin continued, "When I got finished, I picked up the candle because I wanted to check that I got everything clean (note: think about it, I don't want to go into too much detail...). When I did, I dropped some of the toilet paper and it fell into the candle and caught on fire."
I suppose if that were the end of the story it would be pretty funny. However....
I asked Gavin what he did with the candle. He told me that he "took it to Mom and she was trying to put the fire out." Hearing that, I was ready to continue Marco Polo because I was "it", and because I'm pretty darn good at Marco Polo when my competition is two 12 year olds and a 9 year old, and because I couldn't imagine Rhonda having much trouble putting out a toilet paper fire in a Bath and Body candle. So, the game ensued.
Shortly, I hear Rhonda call out the back door for Savanna to bring her candle inside, because she needs it. I thought nothing of it and continued my Marco Polo domination. I think it's fair to consider me the Babe Ruth/Michael Jordan/Lawrence Taylor of 12 year old Marco Polo. Anyway, a few minutes later I heard a banshee screaming in our backyard. Obviously it was a female, teenage banshee because it was screaming "DADDY!!!!!" I used my keen logic and deductive reasoning skills to determine that the banshee was Savanna, screaming at me from the back door.
I looked towards the house and saw a bright orange glow from inside. For about 1 second I thought, "That's odd, I wouldn't think a candle would make a glow that bright or large". In the next second I connected the bright orange glow inside with the Savanna/Banshee screaming and thought "They're gonna burn the kitchen down!" so I jumped out of the pool and sprinted into the house. Although I like to think I'm still pretty agile, I wasn't so quick that Gavin, Landon, and Cole weren't right on my heels. Sprinting into the house, I hear Cole repeating, Rainman style, "They're gonna burn the house down! They're gonna burn the house down! Mom and Savanna are gonna burn the house down!" I suppose he intended to keep repeating that until someone agreed with him or assured him that it wasn't so. Unfortunately, I coudn't do the latter.
When I got inside I saw a the Bath and Body candle, which was about 3 inches tall and 3 inches in diameter. The candle had a fire coming from it that had to be at least a foot and a half high and a foot wide. Glass had shattered on the counter. The smell good candle wax was everywhere. Rhonda looked in a panic. Cole just exclaimed his 8th "They're gonna burn the house down!" And all I could think was, "how could Gavin have caused all this by taking a candle in to the bathroom when he used the toilet?" And how did it go from the unfortunate act of dropping a little toilet paper in the candle to a volunteer fire department training exercise?
Turns out, Savanna and Rhonda tried to solve the problem themselves so they wouldn't have to call on dear old Dad. When it was still rather small, Rhonda thought she'd just blow it out. After trying, she discovered what's meant by the phrase "fanning the flames" of a fire. Then Savanna decided to put some water on it. We had very little (remember, no power = no water), and according to Rhonda our water is actually 87 octane gasoline, because our water made this fire grow like a Ch Ch Ch Chia pet under water. At that point, Rhonda conceded defeat and dispatched the screaming banshee to call us in from the pool. Being the cool headed, cave man protector, I swooped in like Mighty Mouse so many years ago to save the day. After I roasted a marshmallow on the open flames and told a few ghost stories, I asked Rhonda to hand me the dish towel. I used the towel to smother the fire and to squash this catastrophe like a bug. Rhonda was thankful until she heard Landon say "why didn't you just do that the first time Mrs. Rhonda? When you smother the fire it can't get oxygen and it will go out." Rhonda quickly replied with a "Zip it, Landon", so that settled that. I'm thankful to say that no one was injured, it only took 7 minutes to clean up the glass and wax on the counter, and we were able to quickly return to the pool and my quest for Marco Polo Hall of Fame status. Already got my speech ready....just get the bust polished and ready and give me the mic.
Anyway, we came home and the power was out. Gavin had a friend sleeping over, so I encouraged the kids to go outside to the pool for a swim. Swimming in the dark seemed much better than sitting inside in the dark. After lighting a few candles, Gavin, Landon, Cole, and I got dressed to go for a night time swim. Savanna just came out to talk, not to swim. Gavin came out several minutes later than the others, and we began the mandatory Marco Polo game. Savanna then told us "Momma's already asleep". Gavin said "no she's not, I just came out. She's trying to put the fire out in the candle." That aroused my curiosity, because why would she have to "try" to put out a candle? So I asked, and this is the story I got from Gavin....
"Well Dad, I was doing #2 in the bathroom and it was dark. So I had taken one of the candles in there so I could see." (Brent's Note: this was a Bath and Beyond candle in a glass jar, not a candle on a candlestick). Gavin continued, "When I got finished, I picked up the candle because I wanted to check that I got everything clean (note: think about it, I don't want to go into too much detail...). When I did, I dropped some of the toilet paper and it fell into the candle and caught on fire."
I suppose if that were the end of the story it would be pretty funny. However....
I asked Gavin what he did with the candle. He told me that he "took it to Mom and she was trying to put the fire out." Hearing that, I was ready to continue Marco Polo because I was "it", and because I'm pretty darn good at Marco Polo when my competition is two 12 year olds and a 9 year old, and because I couldn't imagine Rhonda having much trouble putting out a toilet paper fire in a Bath and Body candle. So, the game ensued.
Shortly, I hear Rhonda call out the back door for Savanna to bring her candle inside, because she needs it. I thought nothing of it and continued my Marco Polo domination. I think it's fair to consider me the Babe Ruth/Michael Jordan/Lawrence Taylor of 12 year old Marco Polo. Anyway, a few minutes later I heard a banshee screaming in our backyard. Obviously it was a female, teenage banshee because it was screaming "DADDY!!!!!" I used my keen logic and deductive reasoning skills to determine that the banshee was Savanna, screaming at me from the back door.
I looked towards the house and saw a bright orange glow from inside. For about 1 second I thought, "That's odd, I wouldn't think a candle would make a glow that bright or large". In the next second I connected the bright orange glow inside with the Savanna/Banshee screaming and thought "They're gonna burn the kitchen down!" so I jumped out of the pool and sprinted into the house. Although I like to think I'm still pretty agile, I wasn't so quick that Gavin, Landon, and Cole weren't right on my heels. Sprinting into the house, I hear Cole repeating, Rainman style, "They're gonna burn the house down! They're gonna burn the house down! Mom and Savanna are gonna burn the house down!" I suppose he intended to keep repeating that until someone agreed with him or assured him that it wasn't so. Unfortunately, I coudn't do the latter.
When I got inside I saw a the Bath and Body candle, which was about 3 inches tall and 3 inches in diameter. The candle had a fire coming from it that had to be at least a foot and a half high and a foot wide. Glass had shattered on the counter. The smell good candle wax was everywhere. Rhonda looked in a panic. Cole just exclaimed his 8th "They're gonna burn the house down!" And all I could think was, "how could Gavin have caused all this by taking a candle in to the bathroom when he used the toilet?" And how did it go from the unfortunate act of dropping a little toilet paper in the candle to a volunteer fire department training exercise?
Turns out, Savanna and Rhonda tried to solve the problem themselves so they wouldn't have to call on dear old Dad. When it was still rather small, Rhonda thought she'd just blow it out. After trying, she discovered what's meant by the phrase "fanning the flames" of a fire. Then Savanna decided to put some water on it. We had very little (remember, no power = no water), and according to Rhonda our water is actually 87 octane gasoline, because our water made this fire grow like a Ch Ch Ch Chia pet under water. At that point, Rhonda conceded defeat and dispatched the screaming banshee to call us in from the pool. Being the cool headed, cave man protector, I swooped in like Mighty Mouse so many years ago to save the day. After I roasted a marshmallow on the open flames and told a few ghost stories, I asked Rhonda to hand me the dish towel. I used the towel to smother the fire and to squash this catastrophe like a bug. Rhonda was thankful until she heard Landon say "why didn't you just do that the first time Mrs. Rhonda? When you smother the fire it can't get oxygen and it will go out." Rhonda quickly replied with a "Zip it, Landon", so that settled that. I'm thankful to say that no one was injured, it only took 7 minutes to clean up the glass and wax on the counter, and we were able to quickly return to the pool and my quest for Marco Polo Hall of Fame status. Already got my speech ready....just get the bust polished and ready and give me the mic.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Halloween costume
If I ever had doubts about my youngest son's self confidence, those fears were erased recently. We received a catalog in the mail with Halloween costumes. CT spent a lot of time looking at the costumes, debating the merits of one over the other. After a while, he asked me what costume I wanted him to get. I had positively no desire to debate Ben 10 versus Spider Man versus a Ninja. So I just told him "Why don't you dress up as a super smart 4th grader for Halloween?" He replied, dead serious, without laughing or cracking a smile...."So you don't want me to get a costume?" That's one confident kid.
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